tanya hollins

A great woman i knew passed away today. She went to be with the Lord. Last night, we shared our wisdom and exchanged our words of encouragement and even watched american idol last night...

she was killed by a careless drunk driver...

i will never forget you. Rest in peace.

"in the sweet by and by, we shall meet on that beautiful shore"

city and colour

"But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I’ve been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray "

suicide file

"And yes i loved you, but now its all falling apart. And yes i loved
you, but the pieces come crashing down on me."

I'm naked

I'm numb

"im staying"
I'm stupidAnd if Cupid's got a gun, then he's shootin'

Lights black
Heads bang
You're my drug
We live it
You're drunk, you need it
Real love, "I'll give it "
So we're bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

You wasted your times
On my heartYou've burned
And if bridges gotta fall, then you'll fall, too

Doors slam
Lights black
You're gone
Come back
Stay gone
Stay clean
I need you to need me

So we're bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

Now we're bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

saturday mornings

depp and soy

i cant wait to meet you

my niece, clarisse
you will be in my arms someday soon.

Being grown up isn’t half as fun as growing up

11-7

i havent done this shift in almost two years and the last time was orientation...

whats annoying me right now

friday im in love

Reunited with an old friend of mine. Freebirds by USC was finally here. The line wait was about 15-20 mins.

I almost got a "super monster" but as i got closer to the actual size i downgraded to a "monster" size. i destroyed it later on.

Traveled through la traffic time on Riverside st. to Silverlake where i poured my heart out. I found vintage christian louboutins. gold, sling back sandal low heel and a perfect liz claiborne sport red flannel.

Thanks to my "mother in law" and the semi annual sale, i picked up a VS silk robe.

After greeted by a girl named Barbie at the Sephora, i picked up the new Givenchy HOT and she hooked me up with some boscia


and ending the long day, i finish baking. go me!

xxx

drugs can kill.

mil...

lets just say i'd like to look like these women when im a mom...

4G

awake. stayin in bed. i got work at 3pm. internet on my phone sucks.



come to mommy...

Well I got to washin that poor scion. I got down to the"nitty gritty" my hands were filthy after cleaning those tires. For some reason, I was stoked about driving my car after it got its special treatment.
*Wash/dry/buff/wax/tires/rims shined.

Releasing my dog outside after an hour and half away washing the car..he ran so fast, he hit his nose on the stares before making it up.

"Oh my gosh!! Are you okay!? Seee! You need to calm down!"

He paused and turned around, lookin at me with disappointment.

I payed 2 bills. Now I am hungry but I have to pick up my sister first. After doing so, we ate at islands in glendale. Prolly had one of the nicest servers today. But the let down was the increased prices on their menu. As well as the "calorie" numbers in parenthesis on the side. It was also the first time there wasn't enough bleu cheese on my bleunami...never again.

*ughh

Listened to new Britney spears. Its really good:) I'm always excited for britney. Whether it be her and her baby on her lap as she drives or when she decides to shave her head! I got to start saving for her shows!!



Mariedet and I watched our daily dose of COCO tv and a tevoed SNL from last saturday.

Finally onto my lilcupcake fayced dog Vannie. I find time to get her tired enough for her nail clipping. She hates it as much as I do, but I got to do it for her own good. Lucky will get his done wednesday in eagle rock.

*biz, biz biz* vannie tryin to bite me*

An old friend comes back into my life this evening. A surprise? Yes. We will be reunited friday after 2 seasons of unexplained separation. Cupcakes and burritos can bring people together. Being spontaneous was always our thing.

Freebirds by the USC on Fig opens this week after weeks of anticipation. *pops a bottle of champagne...(is that how you spell it?)



I finally got a ruler. Still in need of a pocket dictionary and map of the world.

I got my cake books, party planner ready...one week to throw a party shouldn't be so bad...

WAKE UP!

I woke up to an empty house this morning. This will be happening more often. I am off today and I can't get myself back to sleep...(8:37am)
My mind dwells on the past, future events of today and tomorrow. "I got this.."

Let me see..to do list...

-get up
-wash car..prolly wash and hose down..wax later
-pick up my check, go to the bank
-oh yeah...fill the tank
-little sister at highschool
-mariedet on wilshire
-take my dog to get his nails clipped..I hope I can live up to this task. I always postpone it...

cali friday night

A spontaneous "bar-hopping" night. Coda in Sherman Oaks was our first stop.


Parking can be a lil challenge for this place, since it is residential. It was a cold night, but it didn't compare to my previous experience in vegas a week ago. 39 degrees wasn't so bad at all. The entrance stretched out to the back. Walked through the alley and into the red brick building accompanied by two of my coworkers. We were waiting on 3 more. I kept thinking why did I wear this dress tonight...
I glance at some old men who started to stare, looking up and down as they sip their drink. "Creepy..."-me

I walked a little more to my right and wait by the wall. All of a sudden this guy walks up to me and almost seemed like he wanted to say something, but then he just walked away. Relief* yes.

I looked around, feeling a little weary from todays events and I felt very much sober around the drunk people. A guy and girl walks in. Both try to start a conversation. All I hear is yelling. The music was so loud. I wondered how can anyone have a decent conversation at a loud bar. I'd have no voice at the end of the conversation..night...

Coda was crowded and not interesting at the moment...we headed out to go eat. Kitchen 24 was our next stop.


Hollywood on weekends were very lively, full of youth, rebellion, free-spirited...in other words, a good time. California girls dress to impress and no matter how cold it was, they still had that little dress on.
I usually order a water and a meal to go with my late dinner. I ordered the tangerine chicken wings with carrots and blue cheese dip. it's an appetizer, but its enough for my petite self. There, we engaged in random conversation and questions about my own life were asked. I learned more about each one of them and enjoyed their company. The dj above had britney spears and tupac in the mix, just to name a few. Soon enough the food disappeared and the night was still young...but my feet didn't think so.

Ecco ultra lounge a block down. Ultra ECO -FRIENDLY!


Skippin lines, "Mario" was the word! And ladies were free tonight. Not dressed for the occasion, my girls and I are always in the mood to dance. So we danced til we couldn't dance no more. I was sober and very aware of everything around me. Lots of light in this place, I noticed more faces. I wondered why most girls didn't fix their face tonight and why most guy want to look like, "the situation"...just his hair. Not face.
Some young lookin' hispanic boy kept backing into me while he danced. "What the heck, man!?"

--oof.

Valet took a while. My feet, my body were pissed off. I was in quiet mode then. I was grossed out by some fat girls walkin barefooted on the sidewalks of hollywood that night. Ladies...please don't take your shoes off and walk on these filthy streets. Infectious diseases are everywhere!

230am-39 degrees. Dennys @ the Wiltern.


Dennys is our best friend when it comes to food late into the night or drunk nights in need of refreshment and soberness. I had a rootbeer float. After 15 minutes


...I wondered how I drank 80% of the float and where did it go....

It was a good day.

*Zzzzzzzzzzzzz

1st friday of 2011

I wake up knowing i need to take my lil sister to school and older sister to her first day of orientation at nursing school. I put on a thermal, my favorite AA bat hoodie and jean shorts over my AA tights.(what? i was cold!) I pump up my sisters up with some journey on blast. My sisters dont understand my musical taste, or fashion as well.

Dropped them off and 10 minutes later msgs from both saying what time to pick them up.

mariedet: ill be done by 1230p
mary crystal: ill be done by 11am

i go home and mom is dryin her hair inthe bathroom. shes in her scrubs and i walk in with a small box of legos...i open it and start assembling the two characters in comes with. a police and alien holding a block of plastic cash. And as i do, mom asks me what am i doing. "that's for your godson..."

me: "oh..."
mom: "its ok. you know...when you give toys like that to kids , it helps them develop their brain..."
me: "well mom i need developing..."
mom: (continues to dry her hair)
me: (continues to assemble legos)
mom: walks out of bathroom and runs to grab her keys and leaves the house.
me: still on the legos...
mom: opens front door.."wake up hannah at 10am for her doctors appointment..."
me: on legos..."uh huhhhh"

okay im tired. i put the legos away and change my clothes. put some make up on to be nice to people outside my home and not scare anybody..."updo? or hairdown?" goes on for 15 minutes with hair...

9:50am... "HANNAH...WAKE UP!"
hannah: mmmm....(under blanket)
me: "you have to go to the doctor!"
hannah: mumbles, "ill go monday..."(still under blanket)
me: "whatever"

I turn onthe tv and "Garden State" movies we love is on E!
me: "ooooooo :D"
lucky: jumps onto lap and chills with mommy'

an hr passes...

me:"okay, i gotta go cub.."
lucky: wakes up and sits aside.

hannah:where are you going??
casey: pick up crystal and mariedet
hannah: ok, drive safely!
casey: thanks! you too!

i get to crystals highschool and stef comes along. Crystal begs to go home and says "LETS GO TO DOG HAUS"

me: "dog house? sounds disgusting...they have dog treats?"
crystal: "its goooooood, you wont regret it."
me: "madet doesnt want you to go with us"
crystal: "shes so selfish..."


so we get home, and hannah is still home, halfway ready to leave for clinical and she jumps on the computer and shares a song she says reminds her of daniel and i.
hannah: "its totally about you and daniel...."
me: "really?"
hannah:" yeahhhh"

i get on the computer and watch the video..facebook it up...post it on facebook "i miss you" i write under the title.

*KNOCK *KNOCK
me: *opens the door.
mailman: "are you mariedet?"
me: "no"
mailman: "can you sign for her?"
me: "sure!" *signs
mailman: *hands envelope
me: "YESSS LP TICKETS!"


crystal: LETS GOOOOOO, IM HUNGRY!!!
me: "ok, lets go."

half an hour later, we get to Mariposa st. on wilshire and post. sent a mass text about my birthday get together.. waited another half hour and mariedet gets in the car.

mariedet: "theyre coming with us??"
me: "yes..."
mariedet: "UGH"

drove through silverlake...

mariedet: "UGH, i wanted to go to LAMILL..."
me: "too expensive..."
mariedet: "vanilla latte!!!! i have to go to the restroom..."
me: -_-
mariedet: "where are we going?"
me: "pasadena"
mariedet: "why is there traffic?"
me: "its...220pm lol..where is this crystal??"

crystal: "its where you picked me up..but more up..."
me: "ok thats not good direction but you can tell me when we are there..."

Exits: Hill

me:"there it is..."


crystal: "ah madet, you're going to have fooood coma..."
stef: laughs at everything.
mariedet: "i think i lost the lp tickets...its in the car though..dont worry."
me: "FIND IT! "

we order our food. the staff gives a hello and were very helpful. announcing our every order. "HOLY AOLI!" he shouts to kitchen. "you're name? k or c??"
me: "c-a-s-e-y"
dog man: "very well! thank you!"

grab a table. we are all in anticipation. stomachs talkin and everything. oh look homeless man sits next to us..outside the window. stays even til we get our food...
crystal: eats with no shame.
me: ate slowly, wiping mouth with several napkins. enjoying the bacon, carmelized onions, cheese and meat in my mouth..
mariedet: eating slowly but surely...
stefani: still laughing at everything.

in walks an interesting tall asian with a camera. starts filming the whole store. in the corner of my eye he put the camera focusing on our table several times. im sure i looked horrid eating that thing...



me: "i need another one. *finishes burger"
crystal: "shees"
mariedet: "can you get me a to go box stef?"
stef: "lol, sure."
mariedet: "CUPCAKES!"


making our way back to auntie ems. saw they are filming once again at the restaurant but stays open. mariedet shares a short story...

mariedet: last time they were filming here, a man tried to walk in but they were closed last time they were filming..and the man yelled, " I JUST WANT A CUPCAKE!!!!"

Pick up our cupcakes and ready for satisfaction...

I'm turning 24 in 9 days. The past 3 years, my birthdays have been very memorable and were appropriately celebrated to an extent where I am satisfied. I spent them all with close friends. I would like the same with this next one, except not so...big. It will be a dinner I'm thinking. With close friends and family. Now I have to figure out where to eat.

Oh..and I'm also going to get back to baking. Something I haven't done since the summer of last year. my first project will be my own cake. A three tiered vanilla sponge cake. Stay tuned :)

Lets just say today was a very long, tiresom day for my family...my dogs as well.

goodnight.

I recently just spent my first NYE with my boyfriend, Daniel. It was also our first road trip together, which I was afraid about. Only because it was going to be a road trip and consist of long hours in the car and I was thinking we would get annoyed of each other.

Well, we didn't. We enjoyed every minute of each other and were ourselves as much as ever. I never spent so much time with him ever until that week. he caught a fever before the trip, learning that when we got back that it had been from the room he has been stayin in at back home in scv. Mom and Bri, daniels sister had been sick previously. That weekend in Vegas, I learned lots of things about Daniel. He doesn't know how to let anyone take care of him, as in..when he is sick. he is used to being alone and taking care of himself. He probably is the only person I trust driving my care. He can be very quiet, which can be mistaken for shyness. And that I totally feel safe, anywhere I go with him.. My first new years kiss, I will rate ...I can't even think of a number. I felt like I was in heaven...



The weather was extreme or "frightful" I should say. I've experienced worse on my 08 trip to NYC during the winter. 12 degrees is pretty intense. Nevada for us was 29 degrees. But, still intense.










I hated to see you sick, all I wanted was to see you well and full of life.



Daniel and I make fun of Pitbull all the time and so happens on our train trip to the Mandalay Bay, a lady offers tickets to see pitbull for his NYE event. We couldnt think of anything else but to accept the offer! We didnt know what we had that night til we were handed those tickets! haha



Our families have been supportive of our relationdship. That has been encouraging for the both of us. We have more of a response more now than ever. Our relationship has been become very serious and we are talking of the next steps to take. We are ready and willing. I can hear the bells haha.

"I couldn't let go, when the water hit the setting sun.." Ill miss your presence. Waking up next to you.



I hate saying goodbye to him. You gotta do that a lot in a long distance relationship. Doing that this time, I felt that sunken feeling again. I was upset and frustrated to do it. I become quiet and forget how to breathe. I hold in my emotions, knowing..that's not a good idea. It all comes out the last few minutes when I know its time. I kiss him as much as I can before letting him go, enough to satisfy me but that doesn't happen, so I let go and walk away. The walk back is probably the most depressing. I usually later on find home and strength. To hear his voice every day and encouragement from everyone in my life...that keeps me going. I'm going back one last time to see him walk and get his diploma. Something to look forward to. For now...back to work, planning further education and dealing with usual life stressors here in california.